Us.

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Thread: Us.

  1. #1
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Us.

    Ashen faced, passion placed on ration
    acid taste, acetate, basket case Assassins
    Hand grenades are blasting
    Master race in action
    Castigate compassion
    Relax, embrace abandon
    We have this under control
    Succumb to the 'whole'
    As we plunder your soul
    We mine in your spirit
    Divine interference
    Smile if you fear it
    Divisive
    In spite of appearance
    Your mind has the signs of a clearance
    Everything Must Go
    Sedentary...crushed slow
    This melody, love's glow
    Stand in the dark...feel infinity's rush
    Put your hand on your heart
    And give it to us.

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  2. #2
    \_(ツ)_/ Nicktorious's Avatar
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    Re: Us.

    trash.

  3. #3
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Us.

    Better than your entire existence tbc.

  4. #4
    \_(ツ)_/ Nicktorious's Avatar
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    Re: Us.

    \_(ツ)_/

  5. #5
    The 0bserver
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    Re: Us.

    You are good at rhyme schemes but the words you are rhyming are vague and lack purpose.

  6. #6
    is Power Nahlidge's Avatar
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    Re: Us.

    Thought it was cool. Seen @Fact Machine say the words are vague and lack purpose. I felt that way about parts of it on first read. But I think that was because of the rhyme scheme and how smooth it read. I read it a second time and caught the theme to it. Cool quick read. Is it only meant to be read or out loud?

    GRUMPY OLD MAN


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  7. #7
    The 0bserver
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    Re: Us.

    Quote Originally Posted by Nahlidge View Post
    Thought it was cool. Seen @Fact Machine say the words are vague and lack purpose. I felt that way about parts of it on first read. But I think that was because of the rhyme scheme and how smooth it read. I read it a second time and caught the theme to it. Cool quick read. Is it only meant to be read or out loud?
    I caught the theme right away, that was never the problem for me. For me there are two problems which make this just ok when it could have been really good. One it has a good theme but only briefly touches on something that could be made into a whole song, which is why I say it's vague and lacks purpose, the purpose bit because it fails to actually take the theme to the many places it could go. Second the rhyme scheme starts strong but breaks off in several places.

  8. #8
    is Power Nahlidge's Avatar
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    Re: Us.

    Quote Originally Posted by Fact Machine View Post
    I caught the theme right away, that was never the problem for me. For me there are two problems which make this just ok when it could have been really good. One it has a good theme but only briefly touches on something that could be made into a whole song, which is why I say it's vague and lacks purpose, the purpose bit because it fails to actually take the theme to the many places it could go. Second the rhyme scheme starts strong but breaks off in several places.
    I agree. It is no where near song length though. If it's meant to be a repeated verse, then it is definitely lacking.

    GRUMPY OLD MAN


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  9. #9
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Us.

    It's not a song...it's a piece of writing.

  10. #10
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Re: Us.

    I understand that it was more a piece of writing then a song , it felt to me more poetic then a 16 bar piece like I try to write. I liked it in the idea of it being a poem great word play but I can tell u got so much more to give to us here so let's see it bro!

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